Forgiveness and the Healthy Marriage
Some of the most important words one can utter are, “I forgive you.” and “You are forgiven.” These simple words can do so much to increase healing, develop respect and defuse conflict in a healthy marriage. A lack of forgiveness can also allow hurts to continue, wounds to fester and respect to dissipate. Some of the signs of a healthy marriage are the same as those of a mentally and emotionally healthy person. They involve forgiveness, being in touch with reality and having someone who they can share their life with. I believe that true forgiveness is the bedrock for a healthy marriage. Some of the experiences that I have had with couples that I have known and counseled support that view.
My wife Rhonda and I had the opportunity to go to a vacation to Arizona. While visiting the Grand Canyon we got to know a couple named Bob and Susan. Bob sold insurance and Susan worked as an Elementary School Teacher. The more time that we spent with them the more obvious it became that there was something wrong. It was like there was frost on their relationship. During a time when the flowers of love and affection should have been blooming there was a coldness about their relationship. At first I thought that the reason was too many personal issues, such as work, in-laws or personal finances. That was until Bob told me about a painful season in his life.
Bob spoke of a fight that he had with Susan some years before this vacation. Susan had accused Bob of spending some of their retirement money on his boating project. Now Bob was less than perfect, as we all are, but he was hurt by the accusation from his wife and assured Susan that he was innocent. Instead of talking through the issue and taking the time to validate the concern of the other person, both Bob and Susan stood their ground and grew angrier and angrier. This went on for some time until Bob sought reconciliation. They came to an agreement that Bob had not spent the money on his boat, although Bob could not remember if he had used some of the money on some other pet project. Bob also asked for forgiveness for having isolated himself during the weeks after the argument. In fact he had moved out of their house and had stayed in an “Extended Stay” apartment complex on the other side of across town. Bob was assured that he was forgiven even though he seemed to be acting like a pouting teenager. Unfortunately his overture was only partially accepted and he was told that he could move back into the house, but not move back into the bedroom. In fact, he was told that he could never return to the bedroom! For some years Bob and Susan had been living separate lives, in separate rooms in their house, all the while pretending to be an affectionate couple.
It is no surprise that Bob and Susan’s marriage had become cold. It really had become an isolating and lonely existence. Stubbornness, control issues and a lack of honesty and forgiveness on the part of both Bob and Susan had caused this extended conflict. And here they were on vacation in Arizona feeling as if they were on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon. As Ronda and I talked with Bob and Susan we told them that their relationship did not have to be cold and strained. We helped them to see the forgiveness, true forgiveness, reaches out after the offending party asks for reconciliation. That it actively seeks to restore the relationship. In the Bible Jesus tells us that we should forgive one another as our Heavenly Father has forgiven us. Admittedly that is a hard request, but unless we desire to languish in a marriage filled with pain it is necessary. By the end of our time at the Grand Canyon and our working with Bob and Susan as a couple and individually we were able to get a commitment from both of them that they would begin the healing process by truly trying to forgive one another. We have kept in contact with Bob and Susan over the years. We even met them while on another vacation. They both admit that their marriage is as good as it has ever been, and that the key to marriage being healthy and happy is being forgiving people and forgiven people.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, but it does mean trusting the offending person enough to begin effective communication. I was praying with my wife one evening before we went to bed and Rhonda prayed a simple, but profound prayer. She prayed, “Lord, help me to forgive Brent for being such a jerk today . . .” Since I am a trained Chaplain I immediately surmised that there was a problem, but I could not figure out what it was. That day I had done a lot of things that could fall into that category. It had not been one of my better days. I could have made things worse by being religious and telling her that her prayer was not appropriate. I could have been a bully and yelled at her for being “disrespectful to God.” I could have shut down and said nothing. Instead I realized that I needed to risk my pride and ego, and ask her how I had offended her. Thankfully Rhonda was kind enough to trust me that my intentions were true and she told me how I had hurt her that day. Yep, she was right. I was embarrassed at my behavior and asked her to forgive me and what I needed to do to correct the issue. You know, that was a painful moment when Rhonda laid out the situation and what was needed for me to correct my bad behavior. The result was an increase in trust, forgiveness and restoration.
Forgiveness has many facets and is often misunderstood. I was talking with Terry and Martha. They have been married for many years and have had some colorful experiences. One day Terry commented that he wasn’t afraid of anyone except Martha, because she punches too hard. We started to talk about the early days of their marriage and in the course of that conversation this is what they said.
When they were first married Terry and Martha fought continually and often held grudges. A grudge is holding onto feelings of anger or hatred for a person because of something that they have done against you, real or imagined. It is much like bitterness and is the opposite of friendship or good will. Terry is a big tough trucker and Martha use to work at a quickie mart. For the first ten years of their marriage they loved and fought each other almost every daily. They came to the point that physical altercations had become common. Martha said that she won a number of fights by using a stiff right followed up by a roundhouse. So how did this all end?
The first big thing that happened was that Terry and Martha came to faith in Christ. This is a long story, but the end result was that God forgave them of their sins and so they began to understand what it meant to be forgiven people and be forgiving people. They then began to defuse their arguments. They learned that forgiveness is not ignoring issues, but choosing not to let issues escalate. They also learned to forgive one another and they made it safe to talk about disagreements. So they began the process of forgiveness, they chose not to hold grudges, they put boundaries on their behavior and took time-outs when things got out of hand. But most of all, they learned how to take off the boxing gloves and communicate safely with each other.
Some years ago a friend said that there were times when he would get into an argument with his wife and things would get really bad; screaming, name calling, bringing up past wrongs, throwing vases, etc. He called these arguments, “Merry-Go-Round” arguments. Merry-Go-Round arguments are arguments that have gotten out of hand. These arguments usually involve yelling, using past wrongs as weapons to hurt the other person, distrustful and hurtful statement that have nothing to do with the original conversation and other poor methods of communication. Couples often disassociate during these arguments. They ask themselves, even while they are possibly yelling obscenities, how the argument got out of hand. How did the argument get this crazy and how can it be stopped? My friend said that he learned that if he wanted to get off the Merry-Go-Round that he needed to defuse the situation. From some tough personal experiences he learned that as long as he and his wife were riding the Merry-Go-Round during an argument no conflict resolution or real communication could occur. He said that he had to stop fighting, take a break and cool down, and get off the Merry-Go-Round. Her said to get off the “ride” it was important to ask for forgiveness for any harsh words said while things were out of control. He said this was the only way that he and his wife could go forward and work things out. Now most couples can identify with this idea of an argument becoming a scary ride, like a Merry-Go-Round you cannot get off of. Healthy marriages learn to get off this destructive ride and take short breaks, diffuse highly emotional confrontations and allow forgiveness to be the basis for helpful and constructive dialogue about emotionally charged issues.
We are challenged in Ephesians 5 to be in mutual submission to one another. (Eph 5:21) It is after that admonition that Christian households are provided with some specific guidelines. Wives are told to submit to their husbands. (Eph 5:22) Think of it like the left hand assisting the right hand, or the non-dominant eye assisting the dominant eye. The husband is to love his wife like Jesus loves the Church. How did Jesus love the Church? He died for her. So the husband is to give himself for his wife. (Eph 5:25-33) In a practical sense this means that there is no room for selfish, self absorbed self gratification in a healthy marriage. Now that is tough, as anyone knows who has been married for more than 5 minutes. Human beings are by nature selfish, self centered and self seeking in their base natures. But we are encouraged that through Christ we can do all things, even love and forgive our spouse. (Rom 8:28)
Last summer we celebrated our thirty-first wedding anniversary. I look back at those years and am amazed at my wife’s patience and kindness toward me. Both of us have had to forgive, choose not to escalate arguments and demonstrate great patience with one another. We have learned that a healthy marriage is one where the husband and wife continually work on their relationship. One day we will have a great marriage. Right now we are doing pretty good. We still have challenging days, but we don’t get on The Crazzzy Train like we use to. One of the reasons is that we choose to forgive one another, to listen to each other and we make it safe to be honest with each other. By choosing to forgive, we can each experience a healthy and happy marriage.
My wife Rhonda and I had the opportunity to go to a vacation to Arizona. While visiting the Grand Canyon we got to know a couple named Bob and Susan. Bob sold insurance and Susan worked as an Elementary School Teacher. The more time that we spent with them the more obvious it became that there was something wrong. It was like there was frost on their relationship. During a time when the flowers of love and affection should have been blooming there was a coldness about their relationship. At first I thought that the reason was too many personal issues, such as work, in-laws or personal finances. That was until Bob told me about a painful season in his life.
Bob spoke of a fight that he had with Susan some years before this vacation. Susan had accused Bob of spending some of their retirement money on his boating project. Now Bob was less than perfect, as we all are, but he was hurt by the accusation from his wife and assured Susan that he was innocent. Instead of talking through the issue and taking the time to validate the concern of the other person, both Bob and Susan stood their ground and grew angrier and angrier. This went on for some time until Bob sought reconciliation. They came to an agreement that Bob had not spent the money on his boat, although Bob could not remember if he had used some of the money on some other pet project. Bob also asked for forgiveness for having isolated himself during the weeks after the argument. In fact he had moved out of their house and had stayed in an “Extended Stay” apartment complex on the other side of across town. Bob was assured that he was forgiven even though he seemed to be acting like a pouting teenager. Unfortunately his overture was only partially accepted and he was told that he could move back into the house, but not move back into the bedroom. In fact, he was told that he could never return to the bedroom! For some years Bob and Susan had been living separate lives, in separate rooms in their house, all the while pretending to be an affectionate couple.
It is no surprise that Bob and Susan’s marriage had become cold. It really had become an isolating and lonely existence. Stubbornness, control issues and a lack of honesty and forgiveness on the part of both Bob and Susan had caused this extended conflict. And here they were on vacation in Arizona feeling as if they were on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon. As Ronda and I talked with Bob and Susan we told them that their relationship did not have to be cold and strained. We helped them to see the forgiveness, true forgiveness, reaches out after the offending party asks for reconciliation. That it actively seeks to restore the relationship. In the Bible Jesus tells us that we should forgive one another as our Heavenly Father has forgiven us. Admittedly that is a hard request, but unless we desire to languish in a marriage filled with pain it is necessary. By the end of our time at the Grand Canyon and our working with Bob and Susan as a couple and individually we were able to get a commitment from both of them that they would begin the healing process by truly trying to forgive one another. We have kept in contact with Bob and Susan over the years. We even met them while on another vacation. They both admit that their marriage is as good as it has ever been, and that the key to marriage being healthy and happy is being forgiving people and forgiven people.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, but it does mean trusting the offending person enough to begin effective communication. I was praying with my wife one evening before we went to bed and Rhonda prayed a simple, but profound prayer. She prayed, “Lord, help me to forgive Brent for being such a jerk today . . .” Since I am a trained Chaplain I immediately surmised that there was a problem, but I could not figure out what it was. That day I had done a lot of things that could fall into that category. It had not been one of my better days. I could have made things worse by being religious and telling her that her prayer was not appropriate. I could have been a bully and yelled at her for being “disrespectful to God.” I could have shut down and said nothing. Instead I realized that I needed to risk my pride and ego, and ask her how I had offended her. Thankfully Rhonda was kind enough to trust me that my intentions were true and she told me how I had hurt her that day. Yep, she was right. I was embarrassed at my behavior and asked her to forgive me and what I needed to do to correct the issue. You know, that was a painful moment when Rhonda laid out the situation and what was needed for me to correct my bad behavior. The result was an increase in trust, forgiveness and restoration.
Forgiveness has many facets and is often misunderstood. I was talking with Terry and Martha. They have been married for many years and have had some colorful experiences. One day Terry commented that he wasn’t afraid of anyone except Martha, because she punches too hard. We started to talk about the early days of their marriage and in the course of that conversation this is what they said.
When they were first married Terry and Martha fought continually and often held grudges. A grudge is holding onto feelings of anger or hatred for a person because of something that they have done against you, real or imagined. It is much like bitterness and is the opposite of friendship or good will. Terry is a big tough trucker and Martha use to work at a quickie mart. For the first ten years of their marriage they loved and fought each other almost every daily. They came to the point that physical altercations had become common. Martha said that she won a number of fights by using a stiff right followed up by a roundhouse. So how did this all end?
The first big thing that happened was that Terry and Martha came to faith in Christ. This is a long story, but the end result was that God forgave them of their sins and so they began to understand what it meant to be forgiven people and be forgiving people. They then began to defuse their arguments. They learned that forgiveness is not ignoring issues, but choosing not to let issues escalate. They also learned to forgive one another and they made it safe to talk about disagreements. So they began the process of forgiveness, they chose not to hold grudges, they put boundaries on their behavior and took time-outs when things got out of hand. But most of all, they learned how to take off the boxing gloves and communicate safely with each other.
Some years ago a friend said that there were times when he would get into an argument with his wife and things would get really bad; screaming, name calling, bringing up past wrongs, throwing vases, etc. He called these arguments, “Merry-Go-Round” arguments. Merry-Go-Round arguments are arguments that have gotten out of hand. These arguments usually involve yelling, using past wrongs as weapons to hurt the other person, distrustful and hurtful statement that have nothing to do with the original conversation and other poor methods of communication. Couples often disassociate during these arguments. They ask themselves, even while they are possibly yelling obscenities, how the argument got out of hand. How did the argument get this crazy and how can it be stopped? My friend said that he learned that if he wanted to get off the Merry-Go-Round that he needed to defuse the situation. From some tough personal experiences he learned that as long as he and his wife were riding the Merry-Go-Round during an argument no conflict resolution or real communication could occur. He said that he had to stop fighting, take a break and cool down, and get off the Merry-Go-Round. Her said to get off the “ride” it was important to ask for forgiveness for any harsh words said while things were out of control. He said this was the only way that he and his wife could go forward and work things out. Now most couples can identify with this idea of an argument becoming a scary ride, like a Merry-Go-Round you cannot get off of. Healthy marriages learn to get off this destructive ride and take short breaks, diffuse highly emotional confrontations and allow forgiveness to be the basis for helpful and constructive dialogue about emotionally charged issues.
We are challenged in Ephesians 5 to be in mutual submission to one another. (Eph 5:21) It is after that admonition that Christian households are provided with some specific guidelines. Wives are told to submit to their husbands. (Eph 5:22) Think of it like the left hand assisting the right hand, or the non-dominant eye assisting the dominant eye. The husband is to love his wife like Jesus loves the Church. How did Jesus love the Church? He died for her. So the husband is to give himself for his wife. (Eph 5:25-33) In a practical sense this means that there is no room for selfish, self absorbed self gratification in a healthy marriage. Now that is tough, as anyone knows who has been married for more than 5 minutes. Human beings are by nature selfish, self centered and self seeking in their base natures. But we are encouraged that through Christ we can do all things, even love and forgive our spouse. (Rom 8:28)
Last summer we celebrated our thirty-first wedding anniversary. I look back at those years and am amazed at my wife’s patience and kindness toward me. Both of us have had to forgive, choose not to escalate arguments and demonstrate great patience with one another. We have learned that a healthy marriage is one where the husband and wife continually work on their relationship. One day we will have a great marriage. Right now we are doing pretty good. We still have challenging days, but we don’t get on The Crazzzy Train like we use to. One of the reasons is that we choose to forgive one another, to listen to each other and we make it safe to be honest with each other. By choosing to forgive, we can each experience a healthy and happy marriage.
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